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cleo_bandgeek
Joined: Oct 21, 2008
Location: California, Etiwanda
Posts: 166
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 Posted: November 4, 2008 6:27 pm Post subject: Ummm, this is a thing I wrote. |
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My world crumbled to the ground around me. The blood, lights, and sirens were all around. Tears filled my eyes and I did the first thing that came to mind. I ran. Far and fast. Into the woods I ran, tears streaming down my face, legs aching, and my mothers footsteps not far behind me. I fell to the ground and I just lay there writhing in agony. I yelled at the world and hated it with all my might. My mother scooped me up and held me like I was 3 again."Its okay," she said, "Daddy will be watching us from above always."
Do You like it? I wanna know before I submit it to the national contest.
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My wand is 12.5" Yew, Dragon Heartstring to the core. Its good for detailed work and all levels of learning.
Patronus:Otter
house:Ravenclaw
"The names Miller," she said, "Chloe Miller."
Last edited by cleo_bandgeek on November 4, 2008 6:57 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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GinnyX
Joined: May 6, 2007
Location: I'm in a New York state of mind.
Posts: 26976
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| Posted: November 4, 2008 6:34 pm Post subject: |
GinnyX
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What National Contest?
This one?
http://www.potterforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=11259
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cleo_bandgeek
Joined: Oct 21, 2008
Location: California, Etiwanda
Posts: 166
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| Posted: November 4, 2008 6:38 pm Post subject: |
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no this one www.nradefensefund.org/writingcontest.aspx
_________________
My wand is 12.5" Yew, Dragon Heartstring to the core. Its good for detailed work and all levels of learning.
Patronus:Otter
house:Ravenclaw
"The names Miller," she said, "Chloe Miller." |
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Jayfer
Joined: May 30, 2008
Location: Happy Thanksgiving!
Posts: 3898
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| Posted: November 4, 2008 6:55 pm Post subject: |
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I like it. There are some spelling errors in it though. If you clean those up, you have something really nice there.
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ilya150
Joined: Jan 16, 2007
Location: Smoking Pipe Weed With Merry and Pippen at the Shire
Posts: 1525
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| Posted: November 4, 2008 7:10 pm Post subject: |
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i like it so much im gonna use it in my epic short story im supposed to write
Thanks, *walks off to write story*
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cleo_bandgeek
Joined: Oct 21, 2008
Location: California, Etiwanda
Posts: 166
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| Posted: November 4, 2008 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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There, I fixed the errors.
_________________
My wand is 12.5" Yew, Dragon Heartstring to the core. Its good for detailed work and all levels of learning.
Patronus:Otter
house:Ravenclaw
"The names Miller," she said, "Chloe Miller." |
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zengrenouille
Joined: Aug 1, 2007
Location: Sharon, PA
Posts: 11304
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| Posted: November 5, 2008 1:58 am Post subject: |
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This may be a dumb question, but what is it describing?
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xXxArilellaxXx
Joined: May 22, 2008
Location: In my bed in the land of dreams... :D
Posts: 1954
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| Posted: November 5, 2008 5:52 am Post subject: |
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its really good, id say do it 
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If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
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"Focus on your goals and dreams. It's important to have a passion for something. Find out what it is and make it your own." (Alex Band)
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queenchristal1983
Joined: Oct 5, 2007
Location: Alabama,USA
Posts: 417
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| Posted: November 5, 2008 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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I really like it
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Amanda
Joined: Aug 2, 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 991
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| Posted: November 5, 2008 3:30 pm Post subject: |
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I like it. It's really good.
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Snapesservant
Joined: Jul 15, 2008
Location: In a House
Posts: 2772
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| Posted: November 5, 2008 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, that's really good!!!
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dontsayiquit
Joined: Aug 12, 2007
Posts: 1093
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| Posted: November 5, 2008 5:34 pm Post subject: |
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| zengrenouille wrote: |
| This may be a dumb question, but what is it describing? |
A child's father dies, and it's how he/she reacts to the situation.
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cleo_bandgeek
Joined: Oct 21, 2008
Location: California, Etiwanda
Posts: 166
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| Posted: November 5, 2008 6:12 pm Post subject: |
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| zengrenouille wrote: |
| This may be a dumb question, but what is it describing? |
Its describing a girl who just lost her father.
_________________
My wand is 12.5" Yew, Dragon Heartstring to the core. Its good for detailed work and all levels of learning.
Patronus:Otter
house:Ravenclaw
"The names Miller," she said, "Chloe Miller." |
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zengrenouille
Joined: Aug 1, 2007
Location: Sharon, PA
Posts: 11304
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| Posted: November 5, 2008 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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Well I get that, but what event caused the death? How involved was the child? Did he observe the death? Did he come upon it after it happened? Was he somehow an active player? Is this supposed to just be a paragraph?
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xXxArilellaxXx
Joined: May 22, 2008
Location: In my bed in the land of dreams... :D
Posts: 1954
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| Posted: November 6, 2008 10:10 am Post subject: |
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its really touching actually i think  i know how that feels 
_________________
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
"Focus on your goals and dreams. It's important to have a passion for something. Find out what it is and make it your own." (Alex Band)
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cleo_bandgeek
Joined: Oct 21, 2008
Location: California, Etiwanda
Posts: 166
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| Posted: November 6, 2008 6:26 pm Post subject: |
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| zengrenouille wrote: |
| Well I get that, but what event caused the death? How involved was the child? Did he observe the death? Did he come upon it after it happened? Was he somehow an active player? Is this supposed to just be a paragraph? |
#1 Question: Car crash (i think)
#2:No
#3:yes
#4:no
#5:Not sure
_________________
My wand is 12.5" Yew, Dragon Heartstring to the core. Its good for detailed work and all levels of learning.
Patronus:Otter
house:Ravenclaw
"The names Miller," she said, "Chloe Miller." |
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Loch Monarch
Joined: May 4, 2008
Location: i am somewhere wanna help me find myslef?
Posts: 3379
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| Posted: November 7, 2008 3:57 pm Post subject: Re: Ummm, this is a thing I wrote. |
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| cleo_bandgeek wrote: |
My world crumbled to the ground around me. The blood, lights, and sirens were all around. Tears filled my eyes and I did the first thing that came to mind. I ran. Far and fast. Into the woods I ran, tears streaming down my face, legs aching, and my mothers footsteps not far behind me. I fell to the ground and I just lay there writhing in agony. I yelled at the world and hated it with all my might. My mother scooped me up and held me like I was 3 again."Its okay," she said, "Daddy will be watching us from above always."
Do You like it? I wanna know before I submit it to the national contest. |
are you talking about God?
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cleo_bandgeek
Joined: Oct 21, 2008
Location: California, Etiwanda
Posts: 166
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| Posted: November 10, 2008 6:09 pm Post subject: |
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Oh no, her daddy will be in heaven.
_________________
My wand is 12.5" Yew, Dragon Heartstring to the core. Its good for detailed work and all levels of learning.
Patronus:Otter
house:Ravenclaw
"The names Miller," she said, "Chloe Miller." |
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Simply Just
Joined: Jan 13, 2008
Location: At the altar, reciting my vows to Neville.
Posts: 3078
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| Posted: November 10, 2008 6:11 pm Post subject: Re: Ummm, this is a thing I wrote. |
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| Loch Monarch wrote: |
| cleo_bandgeek wrote: |
My world crumbled to the ground around me. The blood, lights, and sirens were all around. Tears filled my eyes and I did the first thing that came to mind. I ran. Far and fast. Into the woods I ran, tears streaming down my face, legs aching, and my mothers footsteps not far behind me. I fell to the ground and I just lay there writhing in agony. I yelled at the world and hated it with all my might. My mother scooped me up and held me like I was 3 again."Its okay," she said, "Daddy will be watching us from above always."
Do You like it? I wanna know before I submit it to the national contest. |
are you talking about God? |
Whatever it's about, it's pretty damn good. You should send it.
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