EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three- block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT: It never spoils.
CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster nearby your refrigerator to gauge this. _________________
Chocolate Rules
1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
Chocolate Rules
1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
-----------------------------------------------
and thank you
Haha, I love these rules. Some of them are even funny.
My Favorite One; 10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. _________________
it sustains your hunger? that means it keeps it going. somehow I don't think thats how it works. _________________ They say home is where the heart is, so your real home's in your chest. --Captain Hammer
oh... How come the only emails i get are the ones trying to scam me... an example of one...
Spoiler:
My Dear
Greetings,I know this mail may come to you as a surprise,I am Barrister Mussa Issah the solicitor/counsel to the late Sanni Abacha who was then before his death, the President/Head of State of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.
Just yesterday his widow wife Mrs. Mariam Abacha called to intimate me of the condition of her family over the pursuance of fund by the Government over the husbands alleged loot.
In fact, She conferred in me that her son was working with a German National only for the German to take advantage of the situation, there by setting her son up in Germany where he went to claim his father deposit. You can verify this fact your self through the German Embassy over an alleged Abacha's Son, Mr. Abba Abacha trying to pull out the sum of (US$40 M) Forty Million Dollars from the Bank.
At this point in time, She solicited my humble self to look for a reputable gentleman who will be of great assistance to the family and somebody who can take over the sum of $27M (Twenty Seven Million United States Dollars Only)which is presently deposited in a Security Company, for investment. I will later on the course of this transaction disclosed to you the Security Company accordingly.
If you will be interested to act upon on receipt of this mail, please do contact me on the enlisted contact adress and more so be kind to issue me with your current Telephone Number for prompt conversation.
Thanks for your sincere understanding while looking forward to your positive response/cooperation.
Can you really? never knew that... Anyways its so funny, how people mess around with the people.... Really Funny Site....
called 419 eater.... http://www.419eater.com/html/joyce_ozioma.htm
on that page the guy whose "getting scammed" makes the scammer write all 300 some pages of Harry potter and the chamber of Sercerts by hand. He then tells him that he knew about the 419 scam.... Its really really funny. _________________
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