Author's Note: EXTENSIVE rewrite of an older fic! This little fic is based on the song "I was born to love you" by Christopher Hampton and Don Black. The characters all belong to J.K. Rowling, I've only borrowed them. (And the quotes from Deathly Hallows and the other books all belong to her too, of course) Enjoy and please review!
This story is dedicated to the lovely, very talented Tabitha
Phoenix Triumphant
Hermione
I step across the line for you
I plunge myself in mortal sin
I sacrifice my soul to be your bride
I’ve given in to the feelings I can’t hide
I leave my guilt behind
Who cares if love is blind?
This certainty is bliss
At last I know my mind
Tears kept falling, no matter how hard I was trying to hold them back, to reason with myself; this outpouring of my grief and rage would not cease. As I let my gaze drop to the lifeless form in my arms I felt so many emotions flitting through my mind, yet the only one I could clearly hear was I cannot let him die, not like this, not here! Having every right to despise him for what he has done did not make it any easier. Not just his most obvious of sins, killing Dumbledore and serving Voldemort among them, in my case it was a more personal conflict, one I've not been able to analyze, comprehend or dissect logically. The fact that his obsidian like eyes seemed to gaze into my very soul every time he considered me worthy of a glance, a glare or a passing look; I've found that to be disturbing ever since that first Potions lesson in my first year...Sit down! was all he had said to me before focusing his fury on Harry who, I must admit, really should not have challenged our Potions Master on day one, I knew then and there that those two would never be on the same page, or even the same book! And trust me, never in my life have I hated being right about something more. How had he phrased it in my third year? Însufferable know-it-all, he had called me and meant it of course. It had hit home harder than any of Ron's teasing and sometimes insensitive remarks, he either had a talent for finding the chink in anyone's armor or his insult had actually meant more to me than his usual injustice towards anyone outside his house, or...both. Oh, I knew even back then that I wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last student who had left Professor Snape's dungeons in tears; but if justice had been observed, these should have been tears of shame or fear, not tears of insulted pride and spurned intellect.
Evil is a strong word, I had told Harry; it would have been easier to reason with a wounded lion. Where had it come from, that insane desire to defend the man who had not only tormented my only friends for years but who had also murdered the wizard for whom, I had always known, even Severus Snape had had respect? Even now, with him dying in my arms, I wasn't any closer to the answer to that particular riddle.
Something sticky dripping down my robes tore me back into reality, I was soaked in his blood; my hands and even my face were smeared with his life's essence, how could there still be so much blood in him? His heartbeat being so faint, his breathing so shallow, the light all but gone from his eyes...no, not a light, the flame of determination to fight a good fight...something had vanished from the dark pupils, leaving them cold and empty, much like polished onyx. My arms around his form tightened, very much against my will, causing him to groan in painful anguish. "Hold on to me, Professor, I will not let you die!" I babbled uselessly and I just knew that, had my Potions Master been his usual self, he'd have sneered at my foolishness. Silly girl, you think you can challenge the fates themselves, do you, his eyes seemed to question, causing my heart to beat a little slower. Having used whatever charms I could summon to prevent him from succumbing to the heavy loss of blood or the serpent's poison, all I could do was keeping him warm and safe, for I dared not use any advanced kind of magic against serpents, one wrong antidote and the consequences would be severe... Helpless, a voice screeched in my mind, Hermione Granger, the brightest witch of her generation...has met her match in a problem not even her supreme intellect can solve! I attempted to shut it out of my mind, that jeering, cold voice, but I'd never been a good Occlumens and couldn't hope to ouwit the owner of that taunting voice. Damn you, if there is anything human left in you, shut up! I had no I idea from whence the courage to fight back in kind had come, for I knew that even now, weakened and supposedly at my mercy, he was still a formidable opponent.
Every single one of his ragged intakes of breath ripped through my very core and once again I was questioning myself just why he had such power over me. Not once had we shared a memorable moment in the past seven years, be it inside the classroom our out, unless one considered countless detentions, unjust deduction of points, sneers, malicious baits and sarcastic comments to be memorable. It was what had not happened between us that kept my hope alive. Hope that he may yet live, that he would be absolved after his Master's defeat... Yet, as I was thinking this most disloyal conclusion of the battle still raging on at the castle, I realized that it would not matter one way or the other. If witnessing this horrific attack had taught me anything, it was that I'd no longer let my chances pass me by and that I'd remain by his side, no matter the outcome turned out to be. Had it really taken such horrific consequences to reveal the depth of my feelings for the man who was despised by every single witch and wizard who had come to be important to me? I could feel his eyes on me now, searching for something they couldn't find... Hypnotized by those eyes which I had never seen shining with love or affection I let my fingers brush through his hair, stroking a lock of damp, raven colored hair from his icy brow. His lips were forming words, his voice barely a whisper. Grief does not suit you, Miss Granger. It was there and then that I knew my mind at last.
Beyond the veil
We’ll live our lives and then
We’ll live them once again
There’s always a tomorrow
There’s always a tomorrow
There’s always one more night
He had thought he'd never see her smile again. That smile that made her emerald like eyes twinkle, caused the corners of her fair mouth to twitch and that slight, adorable blush whenever she had met his gaze... Her dark red hair was blazing around her, her arms were opened invitingly and her melodic voice reached his ear so sweetly. You protected my child till your dying breath, for that you shall be blessed! Wanting to protest, to cry out his inadequacies, his horrific treatment of the boy, Severus met Lily's even glance and found nothing but forgiveness and love in her meadow like eyes. Her soft arms came around his rigid form, much more tenderly even than in his most hopeful dreams, her little head rested in the crook of his arm, her warm breath tingling his skin.
"My Lily..." he whispered into her sweet smelling hair, basking in the relief only her presence could bring and suddenly he knew the meaning of paradise. Would she vanish if he returned her embrace, he wondered in childlike awe. Wrapping her in his arms ever so slowly he felt her snuggling closer and as she raised his head to meet his eyes once more he knew that his love for her had not been one sided and his hatred for James melted away in but an instant. What seventeen years of discipline and cold calculation had not been able to accomplish was done it the split of an instant, her smile and her warmth mended what had been torn apart, healed what had been wounded and revived what had died within his soul. That harsh battle of will upon desire, it had ended in her arms and it was where he had wanted to be ever since those memorable nights at the library...
"You take that charm back right now!" A very young, very disgruntled Severus Snape was chasing a red haired, giggling girl through the library. Using a Silence Charm they'd been able to sneak into the library every night to study and Lily, always fond of pranks, had used a cat's ears charm on her best friend. "C'mon, Sev, at least they got that scowl off your face!" Lily laughed while dodging his attempts to catch her. "Very appealing, handsome even..." she taunted before crawling under a table; he caught her by the ankle and pulled, causing them to collide rather unpleasantly. Their eyes met and Severus; so lost in the depth of her grass green eyes, forgot his anger and smiled at her. "You've such a nice smile, Sev; pity it takes a kitten jinx to bring it out!" He didn't even hear her melodic giggles, it was her compliment that had struck him speechless. No one had ever complimented him about anything, much less his appearance; his mother had always lamented that he had not inherited his father's good looks or cutting wit; if he couldn't get the first, he'd achieve the second, he had sworn back then. And here was this girl, so adored by everyone who knew her, complimenting him, Severus Snape, about his smile.
"Lily," he began, suddenly afraid that one word might shatter this wonderful feeling of peace.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll take them away," she consented but something in the tone of his voice caused her to halt. "Sev, are you ok?" He was much better than merely ok. ok was actually an insulting description of how he felt.
"Lily," he repeated her name and then gave himself an inner push to speak up. You're a Slytherin, speak up and stop behaving like a tongue-tied fool, he chided himself. "Given that I am hardly the handsomest nor the most popular wizard of our year, well, um...and with," Here his black eyes turned to angry slits, causing her to recoil; "...with Potter fancying you...I cannot help but wonder...why...well..." His speech left him as her expression turned from one of fear to one of affection and amusement. He knew her too well to assume that she'd mock him, but a part of him always dreaded finding out that it had all been a lie, a prank... She crawled closer and grasped both of his hands in her own, her gaze calm, her smile sincere. "Sev, look at me," she commanded gently and he obeyed, what else could he have done? "You know me better than anyone alive today, you tell me why we are inseparable despite arrogant peacocks like Potter and Black trying to worm themselves between us?"
"So...you really don't like Potter then?" he asked, relief washing over his pale features. Seeing her brow crease up at his reply he knew he had said something wrong and fumbled for a better reply. "Well, um...I-I.." He was usually so proud of his talent to get right to the point with a few well chosen words, yet with her so near all his wit seemed to burn to ashes. "Well...I...like...you..." he choked the words out, unable to look at her. A small hand was raising his chin, a pair of dark green eyes was peering into his...and then the warmth of her rosy lips was upon his own...leading him straight into oblivion.
"My love, lay down your burden." she whispered gently before kissing him faintly on the cheek. The long years without her, her inability to forgive him, the torment he had endured in the past seven years, all that was atoned for through that one gesture and he knew, more than ever, that there'd always be a tomorrow with her by his side.
Lily
I hear you before you speak
I’m with you wherever you are
When you sleep I’m in your dreams
I can read your thoughts from afar
My fallen angel has come back to me, scarred and battle-worn, yet still proud and strong. As I welcomed him where souls were resting on flowers in everlasting harmony, I felt the shards of his shattered soul piercing into mine, my blood becoming his, my spirit melting into his, the unison would be complete at last. He smiled that so very rare Severus smile and as his melodic voice resumed its caresses of my senses, I could finally admit to myself and, more importantly, to him, that he has been my love, my other self, my truest companion from the very beginning. "My love, lay down your burden." I said and kissed him, on the cheek at first and, finally, on his still smiling lips. I do not deserve such happiness, I read his mind so easily. Are you suggesting that I bestow my favors on the undeserving, Sev? Taunting him playfully always used to snap him out of his insecurities when were children and, indeed, that had not changed at all. Sometimes you do, he smirked and a glint I had not seen in his eyes since our fifth year at Hogwarts returned to its proper place.
Nothing has changed, has it? I see him shake his head and a true smile was curling his lips. You've become even more beautiful, Lily.
You never had the ability to flatter with conviction, Sev, I chided him, but my heart still had taken wing at his compliment.
Speaking, well, thinking the utterly sober truth is not flattery, he parried elegantly. I have always loved you...
And I have always known!
Harry
The first time I saw your face
I knew I would make you mine
I felt a quickening of the pulse
I felt a shiver down my spine
You’re the chosen one
Out of all the loves I’ve known
In all my centuries alone
“That boy’s soul is not yet so damaged,” said Dumbledore. “I would not have it ripped apart on my account.”
“And my soul, Dumbledore? Mine?”
Some secrets are better undiscovered, it's a painful lesson we all must learn if we wish to survive in this world. It's a lesson I have never learned and probably never will. His secrets, these memories, so filled with love and life, despair and hope and finally proof of another lesson, if you look into the abyss for too long, you'll long to fall...
“But this is touching, Severus,” said Dumbledore seriously. “Have you grown
to care for the boy, after all?”
“For him?” shouted Snape. “Expecto Patronum!”
From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe. She landed on the office floor, bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window.
Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
“After all this time?”
“Always,” said Snape.
Always...
If there was something you could not call Snape, it was a man who had given his word lightly. Why was I not resenting him for loving Mum, why was I feeling sorry for them, why did a part of my heart wish that Snape had just kissed the Dark Arts Goodbye to be with her? I'd not be here, the boy who lived would never even have been conceived, what a strange twist of fate. Ever since seeing my Dad and Sirius tormenting Snape for sport I should have known better and I believe I did know better but just couldn't bring myself to admit it. Long before baring his soul to me in these memories he gave me bits and pieces of the puzzle and I, damn my Gryffindor pride, was too dense to see more than the facade!
And next, Snape was kneeling in Sirius’s old bedroom. Tears were dripping from the end of his hooked nose as he read the old letter from Lily.
No more, God, please, no more! Harry forced out a bitter plea, knowing it to be useless. He had thought that losing himself in Snape's last thoughts would pull him out of this pit of deepest misery, how wrong he had been! He had foolishly believed that he had experienced the worst kind of pain, that nothing would ever penetrate his innermost self... There was the grief he felt for the parents he had never known, the agonising pain after seeing Sirius slipping away...the shocking heartbreak of watching Dumbledore surrendering his life to Severus Snape...and the torture of ending his relationship with Ginny... He had known pain, ridicule and guilt; and now another wave of torment was washing over him, more cruel than even Lord Voldemort's taunting...regret. I shouldn't even have been born, a cruel voice taunted within his heart, causing him to sob in agony. As Snape's last thoughts continued their fatal dance in his mind, determination was reborn within his tortured spirit. Determination to avenge Severus Snape's death, to make sure that his final sacrifice had not been in vain. Once again the Potions Master had rekindled the flame of bravery and his strength arose; much like a phoenix from the ashes.
And now Snape stood again in the headmaster’s study as Phineas Nigellus came hurrying into his portrait.
“Headmaster! They are camping in the Forest of Dean! The Mudblood—”
“Do not use that word!”
"Take good care of him, Hermione," Harry whispered after he had risen up from Dumbledore's Pensieve.
Hermione
Ever since I saw your face
I’ve been trying to deny that I was hopelessly in love
That I could ever say good-bye
Now I know this can’t be done
No I’ll turn away from light
And embrace your endless night
His breathing was becoming more laboured by the second, where it had been ragged before it was rattling, rasping and shallow now. His eyes, already glazed over by death, had lost their focus. My tears were still falling on him as I buried my head in his chest, shaking with sobs. Live, I implored pathetically, while clawing the material of his robes. Make an effort, please! I felt something moving in my hair, but before I could jerk my head up I recognised the touch without ever having felt it before. He was stroking my hair, using his last remaining strength to comfort a hysterical witch whom he had never liked to begin with.
Hermione, I heard his silken voice in my mind without as much as saying Legilimens. Do not cry, you're not a Hufflepuff, are you? Despite everything, I smiled and shook my head vehemently, wiping my tears away brusquely. That's more like a true Gryffindor, Hermione. How I loved having become Hermione to him rather than Miss Granger. If I had only known I'd never hear his silken voice again, I'd have memorized everything he had ever said to me...
Hold on to me, Severus. I noticed my slip too late and Professor Snape, very true to his usual self, merely raised an eyebrow and answered with: Five points from Gryffindor for being overly familiar with a teacher. For all I cared he could have taken all the damn points as long as he made an effort to live. Looking at him more intently I noticed that his eyes were no longer on me but fixed upon something I could not see, but whatever it was, it seemed to give him peace. But we Gryffindors were a determined lot and would not admit defeat unless proven otherwise. Why hadn't Harry sent someone to help yet? Was he expecting him to die in this abandoned shack with just me to ease his transition beyond the veil? Beyond the veil... But before I could finish the wicked thought, his voice cut through my very being like a dagger through butter in the sun.
Don't even think it, he ordered coldly. I'll have no heroic sacrifices added to my name and much less by a suddenly emotional Gryffindor who just so happens to have read a few romance novels.
I love you, I simply replied, no longer caring whether or not I was making a fool of myself, waiting for the sneer that was bound to follow. But none came, just compassion and honesty.
And because you mean that, you must not follow me where I am going, little one, he replied, unusually tender.
Severus
If you truly love me
Prove to me you love me
Free me and go back to the beauties of day
I can’t poison your life
I can’t drive you insane
I can’t drag you into my world of bloodlust and pain
My life is no life at all, it is bleak and unforgiving
Imprisoned by the night
What’s the use prolonging life
When life is not worth living?
If you love me set me free and let me touch the light!
Do not attempt to inflame ashes, you will freeze to death before they can ever catch on fire.
Hermione
Please don’t make me end this before it’s begun!
The time had come, I knew it, yet I continued to fight against what the fates had decided. He looked at me with so much compassion in his eyes, not with the adoring glance he had had for her who was waiting beyond the veil, but with so much genuine affection. Indeed, it would have been hard to recognise our Potions Master at this very moment, now he was just a man embracing his destiny while I was still fighting mine. Struggling helplessly I wanted to give him a memory to cherish and, not knowing any better, brought my lips to his. Chastely at first, I felt him kissing me back lightly, tingles surging through both my body and my soul.
Give me the true nightfall
Give me back to darkness
Give me back my soul
And step into the sun
Our lips parted and his obsidian like gaze was burning holes into my heart. Yield, he ordered, his by now unsteady breath still warming my lips. And I yielded. I may only have just learned that I loved him for as long as I could remember, but I must not expect the same of him. The dying hero being pulled back into life by the heroine, that belonged into a romance novel and, with a slight smile, I remembered his remark about having read one or two of them; well, make that a dozen and you'd be closer to the truth. As his final agony began and the poison was eating away at his lungs, my hold around him tightened, his head now resting in the crook of my elbow rather than my lap.
I was born to love you
Lived and died to love you
His eyes had returned to what I could not see and once again he smiled that enchanted smile.
I was born to love you, and need you, and let you go free!
FINIS
I know this story may be a trifle unusual. But my heart pretty much shattered to pieces when reading how and why Snape died and then "The Prince's Tale" did me in. I was literally sobbing over the pages. I didn't want to negate canon, but I also did not want to let him die alone, unloved and friendless. And I wanted a happy end for him & Lily.
awww that's sweet. I was utterly shocked reading the pages with my mouth hanging open and I actully didn't start to cry until Fred..... _________________ Bring on the rain,
Oh baby, bring on the pain,
and listen to the Thunder!
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I was literally sobbing over the pages. I didn't want to negate canon, but I also did not want to let him die alone, unloved and friendless. And I wanted a happy end for him & Lily.