Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building.
The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red head's husband said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly j so she wouldn't jump off."
The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldnt jump off."
They both looked at the wife of the blonde and he said:" Don't look at me, my wife packs her own lunch!"
One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''
''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''
The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''
''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.
man, you ppl are good at these jokes, I am fresh out, I guess I should do some research, eh? So did any of you get to see Talledega Nights, its a great movie. _________________
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender: "You got bread?
Bartender: "No, we don't have bread."
The duck: "You got bread?"
Bartender: "No, we don't have bread."
The duck: "You got bread?"
Bartender: "No, we don't have any bread in here."
The duck: "You got bread?"
Bartender: "No, we don't have any bread. Are you deaf?"
The duck: "You got bread?"
Bartender: "No, we don't have bread, and if you ask one more time I'll nail your beak to the bar."
The duck: "You got nails?"
Bartender: "No"
The duck: "You got bread?"
Quote:
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
"So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
____________________________________________________________
Quote:
A pirate walks into a bar. He has one pegleg and one hook where his hand used to be and he's also sporting an eyepatch. When he takes his seat at the bar a landlubber next to him can't help but inquire about his history on the high seas.
Landlubber: "Can I ask how ya got the pegleg?
Pirate: " I lost er when I fell overboard and a shark got ahold of me.
LL: Well how about the hook?
P: Well you see, I got my hand caught in the riggin of the sails and it ripped it clean off.
LL: And how did ya lose the eye?
P: A damn seagull took a crap and it hit me in the eye.
LL: What? A bird dropping made ya lose your eye? You couldn't just wipe it clean?
P: I tried. Unfortunately it happened just two days after I got me hook.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
*roars with laughter*
I can't wait to try this out.,..
I have to
I have to
I have to _________________ Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today.
so there is this blonde driving. she keeps swirving around and cutting people off. finally a police officer pulls her over.
police officer :" why were you swirving around so much?"
blonde: "well you see officer, there is this tree in the middle of the road, and it keeps moving in the way!"
officer :" ma'am, thats you air freshener. _________________ I Love The Rev <3
Ohhhhhhh shit! whats in the bucket..... - The Rev <3
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I Love The Rev <3